personal development

Happiness is not a destination

Happiness is a skill that can be developed by aligning your inner values with your external actions, finding contentment in your life and decisions, and focusing on what you can control. Understanding and living in alignment with your values is key to living a happier and more fulfilled life. I think that by treating yourself with kindness and respect is essential for our health and happiness. The best people that I know are not chasing compliments or validation. Learn to fight for your happiness and do it with dignity, optimism, and grace.

““Sir, I am a true laborer; I earn that I eat, get that I wear; owe no man hate, envy no man’s happiness; glad of other men’s good, content with my harm; and the greatest of my pride is to see my ewes graze and my lambs suck.””
— William Shakespeare

Various aspects of life

Life is all about the struggle and challenge to develop ourselves and our skills to see what we can create of value in the marketplace. There is also a social part, a spiritual part as well as the physical part. Personal development is not an easy matter, new habits don’t come easy, but they can be developed. We all have heard the old saying that “Success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.” Therefore, you have to read the books, learn the skills, put yourself through the paces, do the mental press ups and get yourself ready.

Inspiration must lead to discipline as it’s one thing to be motivated, and another thing to be motivated sufficiently to take the classes, do the reading, do the repetition, go through it over and over until it becomes part of you and those are challenges. They are not easy, but they are challenges that if you win, develop and grow that’s what will determine your place, your return (equity) and the work you get from the marketplace.

““Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying basic fundamentals.”
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— Jim Rohn

Making meaningful changes

Achieving meaningful change is often dependent on having a clear objective, believing in your ability to make that change, and embracing a committed mindset that prioritises rational planning over fleeting emotions. This approach can lead to a more sustainable and effective path to personal growth and transformation. I think that to understand the factors that influence our capacity to change, one needs to consider the following three key elements:

1.    It's not solely about the external events or circumstances that occur in our lives but rather how we choose to navigate and respond to them. Developing psychological mindedness involves being attuned to our thoughts, feelings, and reactions, which can significantly impact our ability to initiate change.

2.    While motivation can be a fleeting and inconsistent source of drive, commitment provides a more stable foundation for success. By detaching from emotional fluctuations and focusing on a well-thought-out plan of action, we can reduce the reliance on fleeting emotional states. Cognitive dissonance, the discomfort caused by acting against one's beliefs, can serve as a powerful motivator for change.

3.    Instead of relying on raw emotion to drive our actions, we can manage our emotions through commitment. By making a conscious decision to pursue our goals and sticking to our plans, we create a sense of commitment that, in turn, generates motivation. This shift from relying on external motivation to fostering internal commitment can be a key factor in achieving lasting change.

Send me an e-mail and let me know what do you think.

A little reminder

I think that failing to assertively say "No" or set clear boundaries can lead to numerous problems. It's essential to recognise that lacking these boundaries can be quite costly. Rather than resorting to lies or excuses, it's important not to fear disappointing individuals who only seem to remember you when they need something. Instead, choose to decline their requests immediately. Remember, while empathy is valuable, it should be accompanied by well-defined boundaries to avoid self-destructive consequences.

““You can cut all the flowers but you can’t stop Spring from coming.””
— Pablo Neruda

Ask questions

Arrogance pretends it knows, whereas humility shows up to learn. I think we all desire knowledge and seek to avoid appearing ignorant, ultimately transforming learners into knowledgeable individuals by showing up to learn rather than pretending to know it all.

  • Why is it important to test assumptions?

  • Can you give me an example of a situation where testing assumptions led to a positive outcome?

  • What are some common barriers to exploring different options?

  • How do you personally challenge yourself to grow and develop?

  • In what contexts do you find it challenging to listen deeply, and how can you overcome those challenges?

  • What has been a significant change you've made in your life, and what motivated it?

  • Can you explain the concept of feedback loops and their significance in various scenarios?

  • How do you go about seeking input from others, and why is it valuable?

Please send me your answers via e-mail.
I will give free 45 minute 1:1 consultation to everyone who replies before midnight on Sunday (17th September 2023).

Act like you know

If you are not in charge of yourself and your life, for example, your emotions and thoughts, then what you do and what you don’t do, really doesn’t matter as you are not free. I think creating structure and rules may feel limiting like you are giving up freedom, but in reality, you are actually gaining freedom that a lot of people have never ever tasted. Therefore, true freedom comes from being in control of oneself, including our thoughts, actions, and decisions.

““When a man can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.””
— Viktor Frankl

Arrogance vs. confidence

Self-serving advice refers to guidance that primarily benefits the giver rather than the receiver, and I’ve learned that it usually does not align with my needs. Arrogance is loud and tends to stem from inner insecurities. In contrast, confidence is quiet and calm, and this arises from a foundation of substantiated achievements. Psychologists term this self-efficacy – essentially, a person's self-assuredness in their ability to perform required actions to achieve particular goals. I think this concept holds the key to dealing with uncertainty.

Big implications and trust

One of the things that I notice about people who have achieved a degree of commercial success, particularly at a young age, is their tendency to become more cautious and defensive. I think everybody knows that once you have had any form of commercial success your jokes are perceived as being really funny and your physical appearance becomes exceptionally attractive. If you start believing the hype, this belief can be seriously detrimental. I can really understand why celebrities form relationships with one another, as they understand each other’s day to day challenges.

““3 components make an entrepreneur: the person, the idea and the resources to make it happen.” ”
— Anita Roddick

Internal states

To embark on this journey of self-evolution, it's wise to start with modest yet purposeful strides. Initiating small, intentional habits that resonate with the envisioned identity serves as a crucial foundation. Behaviours are tied to cues that precede them and they are reinforced by reward that comes after them. These deliberate actions stand as tangible proof of our commitment to the process. As we engage in these behaviours, we gradually accumulate a reservoir of evidence that we are actively morphing into the individual capable of materialising our aspirations.

A new belief

When seeking to bring about personal growth and accomplishment, it's essential to shift our perspective from fixating solely on desired outcomes to embracing the transformative power of identity. Rather than asking ourselves what we wish to achieve, we should redirect our focus to consider who embodies the qualities and attributes required to attain those goals. This shift in mindset allows us to delve into the core essence of success: becoming the very type of individual who naturally thrives in the desired arena.

First impressions

Image c/o Inc. Magazine

How can I make a great first impression?
Making a great first impression is crucial in both personal and professional settings. A professor from Howard University once told me that I made a great first impression because I showed trust and respect. I was raised to show empathy and authority, so I believe that we are saying exactly the same thing. One can definitely build upon these traits to improve one’s ability to make a positive first impression, for example, by smiling and maintaining eye contact or by using positive body language.

““You never get a second chance to make a first impression.””
— Will Rogers

The scoreboard never lies

I think systems are more powerful and effectiveness than goals. My ultimate aspiration is to maintain lifelong health, mobility, abundant energy, and endurance, enabling me to enjoy playing with my great grandchildren. To achieve this, I recognise the importance of establishing a set of disciplines to guide my actions. While goals are valuable for providing clarity on what needs to be accomplished, they only serve as a temporary guide. It's crucial to emphasise that the system or process we adopt is the key differentiating factor, and this system encompasses a collection of habits that support my long-term vision. Once I know the direction I'm heading, I can set the goals aside and focus on faithfully following the system. This is because achieving a goal might bring momentary satisfaction, but it's the consistent adherence to a well-designed system that leads to lasting and meaningful results.

If you fix the outcomes

Image c/o Linkedin

What are the habits behind the outcome?

When you focus on improving the outcomes you desire, your habits will naturally fall into place. I think the way you perceive yourself has a significant impact on your daily actions. As you encounter different experiences in life, the lens through which you view yourself affects how you interpret and respond to them. For a habit to truly endure over time, it must align with your core identity. When your actions are in harmony with your internal beliefs and values, you're more likely to sustain those habits in the long run. In essence, congruence between your actions and your identity plays a crucial role in fostering lasting habits.

The self-discovery loop

The self-disclosure loop is a common occurrence in human interactions where individuals gradually disclose personal information, leading to a sense of connection and validation. When someone starts by sharing small bits of personal information, they may receive positive responses or validation from the listener. This positive feedback triggers the release of dopamine in the brain, creating a sense of pleasure and reinforcing the desire to continue sharing. As a result, the person may feel compelled to disclose more information, hoping for further validation or a deeper connection. I think that in certain instances where the self-disclosure loop reaches a point where the information shared becomes excessive or inappropriate for the context. This can leave the listener feeling uncomfortable or wondering why the person revealed such intimate details. It's crucial to maintain boundaries and respect the comfort levels of others as not everyone may feel comfortable with receiving extensive personal disclosures, especially in initial or casual interactions. Being aware of these dynamics can help individuals navigate conversations more effectively and foster meaningful connections without crossing into the "too much information" zone.

Stoic lessons

Five Stoic lessons from Epictetus:

1. Things don't upset us, it’s our judgment about things does.

2. You become what you give your attention to.

3. You can't learn what you think you already knew

4. To improve, be OK to be thought foolish

5. Stop waiting to demand the best for yourself

““People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them.””
— Epictetus

A key question

Yesterday, I was asked a fantastic question: What change are you seeking to make?
I answered: This is a key question when working with clients to help them create personal development plans. If you are going to show up in person in real time, whether at an event or even making a presentation, you are performing. And I think our goal is not only to deliver information but also to deliver emotion with the purpose to cause a change in the people who are listening to you.  

““You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do, but you can build a solid reputation on doing what you say you will do.””
— Burrellism

Signals of progress

Here are some skills that are highly sought after in various industries and have the potential to provide long-term financial benefits:

- Accountability
- Consistency
- Empathy
- Honesty
- Integrity
- Passion
- Perseverance
- Positive self-talk
- Self-confidence

I think possessing these skills can greatly enhance your professional life and increase your chances of financial success.

Preparing for change

Our brain has to use shortcuts to make sense of the world, and any form of behavioural change whether positive or negative requires communication. In many real-life situations, we lack complete knowledge, face an uncertain future, and must depend on instinctive heuristics. A heuristic is a simple rule of thumb which is not perfect but offers quick and dependable results for most intents and purposes. I think that many of our beliefs are formed to prevent cognitive dissonance; we seek to maintain a positive self-image and often engage in constructing narratives to support those beliefs.


The result is the same

There are two different perspectives on finding satisfaction and solving problems.

1.     Diminish your wants by finding contentment within oneself rather than seeking external material possessions. Here one would focus on gratitude, mindfulness, and personal growth.

2.     By increasing your means or resources one can improve their quality of life and find contentment. This approach aligns with the pursuit of material possessions, wealth, and external achievements.

There’s a psychological solution to happiness or the materialistic economic version. Both perspectives have their merits, and the choice between them ultimately depends on personal values, beliefs, and circumstances. I think it's important to note that these perspectives are not mutually exclusive, and individuals may incorporate elements from both approaches to find their own unique path to fulfillment.

Reputation building (2)

““Any form of behavioural change, whether good or bad, does require communication. It might happen anyway, but it will happen much faster if you advertise it.””
— Burrellism

This statement emphasises the role of communication in facilitating and expediting behavioural change. If you want to change a certain behaviour, whether it's positive or negative, communicating your intentions and efforts can have a significant impact. By openly expressing your commitment to change and informing others about your progress, you not only hold yourself accountable but also allow others to witness and acknowledge your efforts. I think that this transparency and communication will help to build trust and encourage support from those around you, which can further facilitate and reinforce the desired behavioural change.

What are you doing to build your reputation?
I think your reputation is how others see your character, skills, behaviour and values, therefore, it’s vitally important to be introspective and honest with yourself. Contact me via e-mail for 1:1 coaching sessions.